K

I am stunned by how,
you, a simple boy,
can in one breath,
destroy years of progress.

(I am not 19, anymore,
I will not be fooled
by eyes the color of
a summer day,
and breath coated
with alcohol that
burns through my chest).

You are not my future,
but you are painted by my past.
A name with the weight of a
thousand mistakes
and a chance for a do-over.

I can’t tell if my heart beats
for you, or for the chance you represent.
(and there is our predestined outcome.

you have his name,
his eyes,
his web of lies.

But this time, I am the one with the
weight of the world on my finger).

when you touch me,
i will not bleed.

(he already drained me dry).

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The Kind of Love that Kills

He says “I will devour you.”

And his smile glints with the malice of all the times he’s kept that promise.

She looks straight into the depths of fatality and leaps anyway.

(she’s alone come morning, absent even a heartbeat).

Open Letter to Former Lovers.

I keep racking my brain, trying to figure out the best way to rid myself of you. There have been countless words, unending tears, random boys and girls, and more heartbreak than I thought possible since I left your life.

History has always been a hard thing for me to walk away from. And although we were together for such a short time, you’ve been a part of me since before, before this beginning, before this life.

I always focus on the wrong thing when it comes to you. The wrong moment in time. As soon as I start thinking about the beginning, it’s already ending.

That’s the thing about history; it can deceive you. It’s so easy to get caught up in the way the past connects you. It’s so easy to become blind to the way the present is tearing you apart. I think I always knew how we were going to end, the quiet strangle of our demise. After all, how could it have ended any other way?

I was always going to walk away.

You were always going to be the better person.

What I didn’t predict or expect was just how hard I would fall for you, how deep the rabbit hole would go. I never expected to give you all of me. I have grown in that absence, grown hard, grown weary. I forgot how to love after you. You left a fissure so large I separated. You took something from me, you took my love and my trust.

I wonder, every day, if you ever loved me. Did I mean anything to you at all?

It doesn’t matter. I’ve been looking at this wrong the whole time. I don’t need to move on from you, I need to move forward from the girl that loved you. I need to let go of the pieces of myself that I let you infect. I need to cut myself down, until I can rebuild myself. I need to completely dismantle myself and start from scratch. I need to carve out the heart that learned your rhythm. But even knowing what I need to do, even with you worlds away and back to a better place, I don’t want to lose you completely. (I can’t lose you, because you never mine to lose. You were never mine).

I know that someday my logic will rule out over my emotion. I know that someday this fresh new scar will bloom into a new person, that this pain is just the healing itch.

I gave you all of me. And I want to thank you for taking me. I have no regrets.

I hope you’re really happy. Because I’m going to be.

-E