stone cold sober

You remain.

I have buried you so far in my darkness,
and prayed for your suffocation.

But still you breathe, still you beat,
A steady rhythm in the back of my mind,
a metronome of mistake tick-tick-ticking.

you remain, you are not remains.
you should be a skeleton, stark white and starved;
shoved to the back of my closet, all bones and death.

But still, you breathe, still you beat,
you are pounding down the doors,
screaming through my hallways.

you remain,

you remind,

you have become the darkness,
creeping in, crawling across my skin, caressing my heart.
You breathe, you burn, you beat (ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum).

you remain.

shipwrecks

I look at you,
and sometimes the darkness is so overwhelming that I forget:

I forget the way you smile with your whole face. 
I forget your toothy grin when I roar and blow raspberries on that sweet tummy.
I forget your chunky thighs, tiny fingers and toes, and natural curiosity.
I forget your bright blue innocent eyes.
I forget that to you, I am the whole world.
I forget that I chose you, that I wanted you, that you are as perfect as a human can be.

Because all I see is the way I fail you.
All I feel is your pain, and my inability to heal you.
All I hear is your anguish.

Sometimes I look at you, and I am so deep in my own darkness
that I cannot see your light.

Dear baby,

I’m doing my best,

please be gentle with me.

Love, Mumma.

Postpartum blue is estimated to affect 80% of women. Postpartum depression is estimated to affect 10% of women.

I don’t like talking about it. I don’t like thinking about it. This is my truth right now.