Open Letter to Former Lovers.

I keep racking my brain, trying to figure out the best way to rid myself of you. There have been countless words, unending tears, random boys and girls, and more heartbreak than I thought possible since I left your life.

History has always been a hard thing for me to walk away from. And although we were together for such a short time, you’ve been a part of me since before, before this beginning, before this life.

I always focus on the wrong thing when it comes to you. The wrong moment in time. As soon as I start thinking about the beginning, it’s already ending.

That’s the thing about history; it can deceive you. It’s so easy to get caught up in the way the past connects you. It’s so easy to become blind to the way the present is tearing you apart. I think I always knew how we were going to end, the quiet strangle of our demise. After all, how could it have ended any other way?

I was always going to walk away.

You were always going to be the better person.

What I didn’t predict or expect was just how hard I would fall for you, how deep the rabbit hole would go. I never expected to give you all of me. I have grown in that absence, grown hard, grown weary. I forgot how to love after you. You left a fissure so large I separated. You took something from me, you took my love and my trust.

I wonder, every day, if you ever loved me. Did I mean anything to you at all?

It doesn’t matter. I’ve been looking at this wrong the whole time. I don’t need to move on from you, I need to move forward from the girl that loved you. I need to let go of the pieces of myself that I let you infect. I need to cut myself down, until I can rebuild myself. I need to completely dismantle myself and start from scratch. I need to carve out the heart that learned your rhythm. But even knowing what I need to do, even with you worlds away and back to a better place, I don’t want to lose you completely. (I can’t lose you, because you never mine to lose. You were never mine).

I know that someday my logic will rule out over my emotion. I know that someday this fresh new scar will bloom into a new person, that this pain is just the healing itch.

I gave you all of me. And I want to thank you for taking me. I have no regrets.

I hope you’re really happy. Because I’m going to be.

-E

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broken frames

Dear Heart,

I don’t want to wake up some distant morning from now, filled with regret and resentment. I don’t know if happiness is part of the equation, our equation, my equation. I don’t think there is room for both of us in this relationship. I won’t lay down my dreams for you, I can’t sacrifice my potential to help you fulfill yours. I would support you, uphold you; I would do everything I could to stand by you, everything but walking away from my own chances.

I’ll likely never be satisfied. I demand a lot from the world, from the people around me, and especially from myself. I set impossible standards, and I hold everyone accountable. One of the many reasons I don’t have many friends, I’m sure.

I know exactly now what I’d have to give up to make this relationship work, and I can’t make those sacrifices. The things I have to leave behind to achieve what I want are different from the things you to have to walk away from, and so we are walking in opposite directions. I have to do what is right for me, even if that means letting you go.

And maybe that’s the point: I prioritize my life above anything else. I value my dreams more than my relationships, I value my purpose more than the idea of stable and idealistic future. I have to do what is necessary for me, even if is does not fit into your scope of reality.

Please don’t ask me to apologize for that. Please just stop trying to make sense of this fairytale. Understand that we are fiction, believe that we have made the choice of where we stand with each other–it was never partners.

You wanted me infinite, so I chose the only part of me that can be. I chose my freedom.

-E

the wrong moments

i’m just waiting for you to tell me
all the ways love isn’t enough.
i don’t think i’d blame you.
after all, i was the one who ate the apple;
you were just the man that loved me
without knowing what love was.

so don’t.
see the fruit in my hand and remember
adam and eve. persephone and hades.
remember the ways that I betray you,
remember my fascination with the snake in the grass,
remember that I am just a girl with pomegranate lips
and I will continue to poison you.

we are the same constellation in the sky,
but i am just a nebula and you are still
living, breathing, existing; you are
light entering my eyes–

and though
we exist within the same sphere,
we are already a billion light years
and a whole galaxy apart.

The Spaces Between Our Lives

Why does the beginning always feel like the end?

every breath you take is just foreshadowing the moment your lungs cease.

every beat of your heart is a beat closer to slowing.

every word from your mouth might be the last to touch your lips.

when you touch my skin I feel like a dying star, moments away from supernova.

when you enter my bloodstream, I feel the way my pulse changes to accommodate you.

why does it feel like every time we’re ending, we’re just breaths away from the next heartbeat?

The way two universes collide.

I want to keep kissing you.
I want to make love to the way my name sounds when it escapes your breath.
I want to fall in rhythm with your heartbeat.
I want to savor the sweet taste of forever and forget the way goodbye feels against my tongue.

I want your fingers entwined in mine, for better or worse.